I wasn't originally supposed to come here and blog away my feelings, but shit happens. I had a lot of work today. I recently began to do roadside assistance at my job. It's a pretty easy job but the problem is is that I'm always on-call 24/7. I really do enjoy the money I'm making doing it, but it's just somewhat stressful when you have 5 calls at one time. It was pretty hectic today. I didn't even get to eat lunch with my team because I was out in Fresno with a jump start. I actually didn't even eat lunch today until 3PM. Maybe that's when I began to feel a little frustrated with myself, who knows?
I came home around 6PM today and my mom and sister were home also. I quickly went to grab a glass of water and sat down in the living room and started watching TV. My sister was on her laptop, while at the same time, eating. She suddenly yelled out, "Man, I'm broke!" I quickly think, "when are you not?" but didn't say anything. I asked her why she was broke and she mentioned that she recently made a payment toward her college loan. I didn't hesitate to ask about her car payment. My dad bought her a car in 2010, new. To this date, she has not made a payment toward that car.
It bothers me. I'm 21 years old and currently losing hair, going bald. Amazing, right? 21 and balding. How fucking awesome is that? Am I doing it to myself? Am I the only one stressing? How in the hell do I see people going to rock concerts, trance concerts, and smoking weed on the daily basis when I can't even pay off my damn school loan?
I'm getting off track. Way too much on my mind, way too much to say, there's just not enough time here. Starbucks closes in 30 minutes and I'm not nearly halfway through with what I have to say.
Smoke break.
The main reason I'm here is because my parents. I'm not sure my parents and I are meeting eye-to-eye. When I asked my sister about her car payment, she remained quiet. She knows the reason why I ask her about her car. She recently got a full-time job, making decent money I hope. So why doesn't she pay for her car? I mean, she said she made a payment for her college loan, but does that take all her money away?
I asked my mom about it. I asked her why she still doesn't pay for her car. She stays quiet as well. Am I missing something here? I just don't get it. I bought a new car two months ago and I've been making all of my payments myself. I'm not the one to complain to my parents about anything I can handle myself, but I asked my mom, "Well, why can't my dad pay for my car? Tell me what she's paying for that I'm not? From what I understand, she only pays for her school and maybe now and then she'll pitch in for the phone bill. So I ask you again, why does she not pay for her car?" My mom quickly got mad and gave me a straight answer. "Because your dad told her she was gonna buy her a car." I got angry. Really angry. "So just because my dad told her he was gonna buy her a car, she's getting a car, no questions asked?" My mom replies, "yes."
Unbelievable. My sister got a car while she was going to school and I've been stuck with the same old Jetta for three years, which recently hit two-hundred thousand miles. But I mean, does this make me slightly more independent? Buying a new car, paying for my tools at work, paying for my car insurance, paying for my own expenses, while still living at home? That's what I sometimes ask myself. Am I ready to live on my own?
My sister and I got into an argument several months ago about her contribution to the family. She used to tell me back before I went to my automotive school to get a job, to do something with my life because I was just at home "bumming." She would tell me that I didn't make any money, didn't do anything around the house and that I should pay rent. It's funny. My dad would always tell me, "what goes around, comes around." So cliche, but it's true. Now that she graduated from college back in December, she didn't really work, didn't really provide anything for the house. I yelled at her. I told her that she couldn't go out with our parents money because she didn't work and on top of that, she didn't pay for the car she was out in. It got to me because I can clearly recall plenty of weekends where I had to stay in because I made a payment toward my school, my job, etc. and didn't have anything left over to go out. At the same time, she would go out and party and spend the nights in god-knows-where while, in the mean time, my parents told her nothing. I told my sister, "when mom and dad die, I'm not going to take care of you."
She started breaking up as soon as she replied to my comment. "It sucks to know that my own brother would say that" she said. I'm not the guy to beat around the bush, to say things nicely. When I say things, I mean them. Blunt, as some of you might call it. But I said it and I can't take it back. I quickly explained to her that it sucks that she goes out almost every other night while I stay home and rest for work the next day. I explained to her that she needed to grow up, needed to get her act together. She's relying on my parents a little too much. But she doesn't get that. I'm not sure if she ever will until my parents are gone. Then what will she do? Will she begin to rely on me? Would I be obligated to help her out?
Maybe I should just worry about myself, even if I do go bald by the age of 25. At least I'll know where I'll be. My job is treating me well and I really enjoy what I do. In the meantime I guess I'll just continue to smoke my cigarettes and hold everything in until I reach a place where there's free wi-fi. Like my title of my blogs mentions, "my blog is my only friend" or something like that.
Oh, and the other reason why I'm mad is because my dad took my car to work today and he stayed drinking with his buddies and drove home drunk. I sometimes regret what I say, but I told my dad, "when you start paying for my car, then you can drink and drive with it. Until then, I'm not letting you borrow my car again."
I drove off and came here. He sent me a text apologizing for what he did. I feel bad for what I said, but he's mature and understands. I know he knows I mean well. I love my family to death, but I think it's time for me to find my own place. I don't know, too much is going on in my head.
Smoke break.
- Jesus.
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