I just remember waking up to a silent apartment. Not a soul with me. Crazy the way your head plays tricks on you. The moment you realize you're alone, nothing but the scariest ghosts or monsters come to mind. But it hasn't always been that way.
Before I moved here, I had family. I had friends. I had people who cared about me. And now, I'm by myself. I just feel I left too soon. I wish it were different. I wish I would've prepared myself a little. Here, I have no one. Not even myself. What's the point of being myself when I don't even know these people? These people mean nothing to me, as I don't mean a thing to them. But that's okay, because I didn't come here for them.
"...You don't have to like them, just know that in less than four months, you'll be back home with us." This is what kept me going. The fact that my sister mentioned that in my birthday card, brought me to tears. My sister and I have never said "i love you" toward one another. It was just implied that we did with our actions. It's hard to explain, but it's there. And now that I'm far from home, I wish we did.
But enough of that, I lost my train of thought...
My primary goal was to graduate from Mercedes-Benz. As a matter of fact, that was my only goal. But outside of school, I had time to do things I never had the time to do. For instance, iTunes. I always told myself that I would make me a bad ass, fucking playlist to listen to, but never did. I told myself that I would workout everyday and do 20 push-ups every morning, but never did. I even told myself that I would cut back on my double cheeseburgers, but never did! And now that I have the time to complete these tasks, I still didn't do them. So why haven't I?
Oh yeah, my head.
It amazes me how events from years back still trouble me. It's not that I regret certain actions, but instead, the "what if's" occurrences that get to me. And that's all I've been doing lately. Having no job, no car, how does someone cope with too much time? That's right. You can't. Which is why I have been driving myself crazy these past couple of months.
But that will change. Because I've found that it's easier to talk about my feelings than to hold them in. But who's listening? My friends? Ha. I highly doubt it since I can count my actual friends in one hand. Instead, my blog itself. The only place where I can express my opinions, my thoughts, and my feelings without being judged. From now on, anything I'd like to share will be posted here. For I have found a new hobby.
Blogspot, consider me your new best friend.
- Jesus
