2.1

You know what? Fuck it. I'll tell you why I'm like this.

So there's this girl, right? We've known each other for quite sometime. I won't even lie to you, I like her. I really do. But that's all you need to know for now.

It's funny, actually. Several Saturdays ago I went to a quinceañera where I got to see a lot of family friends whom I hadn't seen since I left for Boston. I took the girl I mentioned earlier to the party because, you know, I like her. I saw a lot of girls I used to hang out with, whom I had attempted "going for" back before I met the one I like. Like most, these girls had turned me down easy in an earlier time. Why? Friend zone, or at least that's what I think it was. Any who, now that they saw me with her, I feel they were a bit surprised seeing me with someone. It's understandable. It's not easy seeing someone you used to hang out with be with another person. It's not even that though. I've been working my fucking ass off trying to lose this weight for the last couple of months. I have to admit, I'm looking better. But was it that? Did they get jealous because of my "date" or because I looked better? Would they have taken back rejecting me now that they see a tad more attractive?

I texted one of these girls a couple of days after.

Me: "Hey, why didn't you say "hi" to me at the party?"
       "Oh, you were there? I didn't see you."
Me: "Of course, I saw you with your family."
       "Really? I saw your dad and your mom at a table across the hall but not you."
Me: "I was at the same table as they were."
       "Who were you next to????"
...

Really? That's the best you can do? It's obvious you saw me, why would you lie about it? Is it crazy to think that she was asking that to find out who my date was? I would've really loved to have said that she was my girlfriend, but I couldn't. She wasn't my girlfriend. And now I don't even know if I want her to be my girlfriend.

I kept texting some of the girls days after the party. Maybe now that they saw me with someone they would get a bit jealous. Even just a little, to get back at them for turning me down. As I hoped, one of them started talking to me more, even invited me to hang out.

I actually considered it because she was one that I liked previously. The fact that I accomplished what my intentions were made me a little happy. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed that night with the girl I like. As a matter of fact, that night was just for her. We got to dance together, finally, and afterwards went out to eat. So it all worked out.

But even though I liked her, I stopped talking to her to talk to one of the girls I used to talk to. Why? Because I actually considered giving up on the girl I liked for an old friend.

I haven't hung out with her since that Saturday. I've been talking to different people since then. I don't know what got into me these past couple of weeks. She sometimes doesn't reply to my texts, so I get desperate and text other women.

...

My income tax came in this Thursday. I had already planned on using my money for certain things. Things I need. Since I'm not working right now, I have to make the most out of my money. Who came up in my head while managing my money? Her: the girl I like. Even though I hadn't really been talking to her, she was the only one in my head who was worth my money. That very same day, I texted her and obligated her to hang out with me this weekend (jokingly). She immediately said that she couldn't Friday, but was more than happy to hang out with me Saturday (today). I was happy. Probably the happiest I've been lately. I immediately thought to myself, "Fuck what I need. I'll take her out to the most expensive restaurant and buy her what she wants."

This morning I wake up like any other day. Today's the day I get to see her. It's been a while. I guess you could say I miss her. I went to get a nice haircut, buy a nice dress shirt and wash my favorite jeans. I even vacuumed my car so she wouldn't get her clothes dirty, since my car attracts a lot of dust. I want this night to be perfect, just like the others we've had before. Tonight's the night I ask her to be my girlfriend.

The day went well. I did all I needed to do and got in the shower. I got out, got into my outfit, began putting on my socks. I didn't even get to my second sock when I got that text.

"...would you totally hate me if i said i couldn't go tonight...something came up"

What the fuck. No, really. What. The. Fuck.

- Someone.

2

Honestly...

I don't think words can explain how lonely I've been feeling lately. Life always gets my hopes up. Why the fuck do I insist on trying? I'm out, world.

- Not Jesus.

P.S. : I'm sorry for not blogging. I don't know what's wrong with me.