noisy silence

I'm in Austin. I'm here with a couple of friends. Not much is happening, they're talking, I'm listening. My mind is numb, I can't relax. I have a view, I have food coming, but I'm not fully here.

I made up with a friend that I hadn't talked to in years. Her and I like to hold grudges, I know how she is and I know how I am. I've come to realize that my actions hurt people. When I don't get my way I take it out on them. And I know I should just drop it. The situation, that is.

I saw a random post on Facebook earlier this week that said, "if it won't matter in a week, a month, a year or a decade, just drop it." It hit me, I really don't do that. I hold everything in, when something goes wrong or I get mad at something, I don't let it go. It's stupid, it takes space in your head. I have annoyances going back to my younger years. I'm not at peace, I'm not okay, I need to let things go.

It's simple, right? Just drop it? But no. I can't. I'm not wired that way, I somehow managed to become this way and it bothers me. It bothers others! That's the worst part. I fail to realize that others have feelings as well and that I should be considerate of them. And this is why I'm sitting here in beautiful place with great people... by myself.

lungs won't last me long.

I won't make it past 30. I have no idea why I act the way I do sometimes. I'm sitting here alone on a Friday night at Starbucks blogging. Don't get me wrong, there are people all around me, but I'm sure I'm the only one here that's stressing over there most unimportant things.

I wasn't originally supposed to come here and blog away my feelings, but shit happens. I had a lot of work today. I recently began to do roadside assistance at my job. It's a pretty easy job but the problem is is that I'm always on-call 24/7. I really do enjoy the money I'm making doing it, but it's just somewhat stressful when you have 5 calls at one time. It was pretty hectic today. I didn't even get to eat lunch with my team because I was out in Fresno with a jump start. I actually didn't even eat lunch today until 3PM. Maybe that's when I began to feel a little frustrated with myself, who knows?

I came home around 6PM today and my mom and sister were home also. I quickly went to grab a glass of water and sat down in the living room and started watching TV. My sister was on her laptop, while at the same time, eating. She suddenly yelled out, "Man, I'm broke!" I quickly think, "when are you not?" but didn't say anything. I asked her why she was broke and she mentioned that she recently made a payment toward her college loan. I didn't hesitate to ask about her car payment. My dad bought her a car in 2010, new. To this date, she has not made a payment toward that car.

It bothers me. I'm 21 years old and currently losing hair, going bald. Amazing, right? 21 and balding. How fucking awesome is that? Am I doing it to myself? Am I the only one stressing? How in the hell do I see people going to rock concerts, trance concerts, and smoking weed on the daily basis when I can't even pay off my damn school loan?

I'm getting off track. Way too much on my mind, way too much to say, there's just not enough time here. Starbucks closes in 30 minutes and I'm not nearly halfway through with what I have to say.

Smoke break.

The main reason I'm here is because my parents. I'm not sure my parents and I are meeting eye-to-eye. When I asked my sister about her car payment, she remained quiet. She knows the reason why I ask her about her car. She recently got a full-time job, making decent money I hope. So why doesn't she pay for her car? I mean, she said she made a payment for her college loan, but does that take all her money away?

I asked my mom about it. I asked her why she still doesn't pay for her car. She stays quiet as well. Am I missing something here? I just don't get it. I bought a new car two months ago and I've been making all of my payments myself. I'm not the one to complain to my parents about anything I can handle myself, but I asked my mom, "Well, why can't my dad pay for my car? Tell me what she's paying for that I'm not? From what I understand, she only pays for her school and maybe now and then she'll pitch in for the phone bill. So I ask you again, why does she not pay for her car?" My mom quickly got mad and gave me a straight answer. "Because your dad told her she was gonna buy her a car." I got angry. Really angry. "So just because my dad told her he was gonna buy her a car, she's getting a car, no questions asked?" My mom replies, "yes."

Unbelievable. My sister got a car while she was going to school and I've been stuck with the same old Jetta for three years, which recently hit two-hundred thousand miles. But I mean, does this make me slightly more independent? Buying a new car, paying for my tools at work, paying for my car insurance, paying for my own expenses, while still living at home? That's what I sometimes ask myself. Am I ready to live on my own?

My sister and I got into an argument several months ago about her contribution to the family. She used to tell me back before I went to my automotive school to get a job, to do something with my life because I was just at home "bumming." She would tell me that I didn't make any money, didn't do anything around the house and that I should pay rent. It's funny. My dad would always tell me, "what goes around, comes around." So cliche, but it's true. Now that she graduated from college back in December, she didn't really work, didn't really provide anything for the house. I yelled at her. I told her that she couldn't go out with our parents money because she didn't work and on top of that, she didn't pay for the car she was out in. It got to me because I can clearly recall plenty of weekends where I had to stay in because I made a payment toward my school, my job, etc. and didn't have anything left over to go out. At the same time, she would go out and party and spend the nights in god-knows-where while, in the mean time, my parents told her nothing. I told my sister, "when mom and dad die, I'm not going to take care of you."

She started breaking up as soon as she replied to my comment. "It sucks to know that my own brother would say that" she said. I'm not the guy to beat around the bush, to say things nicely. When I say things, I mean them. Blunt, as some of you might call it. But I said it and I can't take it back. I quickly explained to her that it sucks that she goes out almost every other night while I stay home and rest for work the next day. I explained to her that she needed to grow up, needed to get her act together. She's relying on my parents a little too much. But she doesn't get that. I'm not sure if she ever will until my parents are gone. Then what will she do? Will she begin to rely on me? Would I be obligated to help her out?

Maybe I should just worry about myself, even if I do go bald by the age of 25. At least I'll know where I'll be. My job is treating me well and I really enjoy what I do. In the meantime I guess I'll just continue to smoke my cigarettes and hold everything in until I reach a place where there's free wi-fi. Like my title of my blogs mentions, "my blog is my only friend" or something like that.

Oh, and the other reason why I'm mad is because my dad took my car to work today and he stayed drinking with his buddies and drove home drunk. I sometimes regret what I say, but I told my dad, "when you start paying for my car, then you can drink and drive with it. Until then, I'm not letting you borrow my car again."

I drove off and came here. He sent me a text apologizing for what he did. I feel bad for what I said, but he's mature and understands. I know he knows I mean well. I love my family to death, but I think it's time for me to find my own place. I don't know, too much is going on in my head.

Smoke break.

- Jesus.

2.1

You know what? Fuck it. I'll tell you why I'm like this.

So there's this girl, right? We've known each other for quite sometime. I won't even lie to you, I like her. I really do. But that's all you need to know for now.

It's funny, actually. Several Saturdays ago I went to a quinceañera where I got to see a lot of family friends whom I hadn't seen since I left for Boston. I took the girl I mentioned earlier to the party because, you know, I like her. I saw a lot of girls I used to hang out with, whom I had attempted "going for" back before I met the one I like. Like most, these girls had turned me down easy in an earlier time. Why? Friend zone, or at least that's what I think it was. Any who, now that they saw me with her, I feel they were a bit surprised seeing me with someone. It's understandable. It's not easy seeing someone you used to hang out with be with another person. It's not even that though. I've been working my fucking ass off trying to lose this weight for the last couple of months. I have to admit, I'm looking better. But was it that? Did they get jealous because of my "date" or because I looked better? Would they have taken back rejecting me now that they see a tad more attractive?

I texted one of these girls a couple of days after.

Me: "Hey, why didn't you say "hi" to me at the party?"
       "Oh, you were there? I didn't see you."
Me: "Of course, I saw you with your family."
       "Really? I saw your dad and your mom at a table across the hall but not you."
Me: "I was at the same table as they were."
       "Who were you next to????"
...

Really? That's the best you can do? It's obvious you saw me, why would you lie about it? Is it crazy to think that she was asking that to find out who my date was? I would've really loved to have said that she was my girlfriend, but I couldn't. She wasn't my girlfriend. And now I don't even know if I want her to be my girlfriend.

I kept texting some of the girls days after the party. Maybe now that they saw me with someone they would get a bit jealous. Even just a little, to get back at them for turning me down. As I hoped, one of them started talking to me more, even invited me to hang out.

I actually considered it because she was one that I liked previously. The fact that I accomplished what my intentions were made me a little happy. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed that night with the girl I like. As a matter of fact, that night was just for her. We got to dance together, finally, and afterwards went out to eat. So it all worked out.

But even though I liked her, I stopped talking to her to talk to one of the girls I used to talk to. Why? Because I actually considered giving up on the girl I liked for an old friend.

I haven't hung out with her since that Saturday. I've been talking to different people since then. I don't know what got into me these past couple of weeks. She sometimes doesn't reply to my texts, so I get desperate and text other women.

...

My income tax came in this Thursday. I had already planned on using my money for certain things. Things I need. Since I'm not working right now, I have to make the most out of my money. Who came up in my head while managing my money? Her: the girl I like. Even though I hadn't really been talking to her, she was the only one in my head who was worth my money. That very same day, I texted her and obligated her to hang out with me this weekend (jokingly). She immediately said that she couldn't Friday, but was more than happy to hang out with me Saturday (today). I was happy. Probably the happiest I've been lately. I immediately thought to myself, "Fuck what I need. I'll take her out to the most expensive restaurant and buy her what she wants."

This morning I wake up like any other day. Today's the day I get to see her. It's been a while. I guess you could say I miss her. I went to get a nice haircut, buy a nice dress shirt and wash my favorite jeans. I even vacuumed my car so she wouldn't get her clothes dirty, since my car attracts a lot of dust. I want this night to be perfect, just like the others we've had before. Tonight's the night I ask her to be my girlfriend.

The day went well. I did all I needed to do and got in the shower. I got out, got into my outfit, began putting on my socks. I didn't even get to my second sock when I got that text.

"...would you totally hate me if i said i couldn't go tonight...something came up"

What the fuck. No, really. What. The. Fuck.

- Someone.

2

Honestly...

I don't think words can explain how lonely I've been feeling lately. Life always gets my hopes up. Why the fuck do I insist on trying? I'm out, world.

- Not Jesus.

P.S. : I'm sorry for not blogging. I don't know what's wrong with me.

1.5

Hey there, everyone. I do apologize for not posting in a while. I've recently just moved back to Houston and have had way too many people to see. Don't worry, my fellow friends. I'm getting back to my weekly posts. Again, I do apologize. I haven't forgotten about you guys.

I might not post until January since I will be traveling to Mexico next week (woo!). It wasn't my idea of traveling, but hey, I've worked really hard in school. I think I deserve a break. I'll take my laptop and phone with me as many of you will still try and reach me, I hope. But other than that, have a safe Christmas break and try not to stuff yourselves with those delicious tamales. Hehe.

- Chuy.

1

I just remember waking up to a silent apartment. Not a soul with me. Crazy the way your head plays tricks on you. The moment you realize you're alone, nothing but the scariest ghosts or monsters come to mind. But it hasn't always been that way.

Before I moved here, I had family. I had friends. I had people who cared about me. And now, I'm by myself. I just feel I left too soon. I wish it were different. I wish I would've prepared myself a little. Here, I have no one. Not even myself. What's the point of being myself when I don't even know these people? These people mean nothing to me, as I don't mean a thing to them. But that's okay, because I didn't come here for them.

"...You don't have to like them, just know that in less than four months, you'll be back home with us." This is what kept me going. The fact that my sister mentioned that in my birthday card, brought me to tears. My sister and I have never said "i love you" toward one another. It was just implied that we did with our actions. It's hard to explain, but it's there. And now that I'm far from home, I wish we did.

But enough of that, I lost my train of thought...

My primary goal was to graduate from Mercedes-Benz. As a matter of fact, that was my only goal. But outside of school, I had time to do things I never had the time to do. For instance, iTunes. I always told myself that I would make me a bad ass, fucking playlist to listen to, but never did. I told myself that I would workout everyday and do 20 push-ups every morning, but never did. I even told myself that I would cut back on my double cheeseburgers, but never did! And now that I have the time to complete these tasks, I still didn't do them. So why haven't I?

Oh yeah, my head.

It amazes me how events from years back still trouble me. It's not that I regret certain actions, but instead, the "what if's" occurrences that get to me. And that's all I've been doing lately. Having no job, no car, how does someone cope with too much time? That's right. You can't. Which is why I have been driving myself crazy these past couple of months.

But that will change. Because I've found that it's easier to talk about my feelings than to hold them in. But who's listening? My friends? Ha. I highly doubt it since I can count my actual friends in one hand. Instead, my blog itself. The only place where I can express my opinions, my thoughts, and my feelings without being judged. From now on, anything I'd like to share will be posted here. For I have found a new hobby.

Blogspot, consider me your new best friend.


- Jesus